Merry Medifast!

Hey! Long time no read! I missed you guys like an albino person misses pigment. (Disclaimer: If you are albino, please do not be offended because I think you are totally awesome).  Soooo... what's been going on, you guys? Wow that is so interesting! Huh? Oh, you want to know what's going on with me? How sweet of you to ask! WELL, I'm pretty sure I told ya'll earlier that I am now working for Medifast. I wasn't blogging a lot during training because I wanted to be all that I could be (GO MEDIFAST ARMY!).  SO anyway, I was studying really hard to make sure all those knowledge things were inside my brain area.  I think I also told you that I get to go on the plan myself and that I would relay all the delicious details to you. So Merry Medifast because those dreams are about to come true.

I started the diet exactly one week ago. The biggest surprise to me is that I am seriously NEVER hungry. You get to eat 6 small meals throughout the day so it really keeps your energy high and your stomach full and your metabolism revving in all its blazing glory! I have already lost 5 lbs. That's right... FIVE. Count 'em: one, two, three, four, five. (Good job).  As far as the diet goes, allow me to share with you some of my fave menu items.

1) Mint Chocolate Crunch Bars: (they are like a Bat mitzvah in my mouth.... if I were Jewish). So what I am saying is that they taste like girl scout cookies.

2) Medifast BROWNIES! : WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?!?!  YOU GET TO EAT BROWNIES ON A DIET?! OH EM GEE. Yep, Medifast makes a brownie that is not only fortified with 24 vitamins and minerals, but also fortified with decadent taste tickling magic.

3) Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal: Let me preface this by saying, that I am not an "oatmeal person". What's an "oatmeal person" you ask? Oh you know. You know those "warm, fuzzy, I get up early in the mornings and eat my oatmeal" people. See, I usually either like to BITE something or drink it.  The in between texture just doesn't seem to work for me.  My mouth just doesn't seem to know what to do with it, and neither does my gag reflex (YOU'RE WELCOME).  However, after gaining some insight from fellow Medifastees... Medifasters... Medifastites... I added more water and just a kiss of cinnamon and it's like my digestive system was giving my nervous system a hug.  It was a beautiful, cozy, delicious waltz of symbiotic euphoria.  Now I actually look forward to the morn because of my nutritious, appliscious, wake up call.  

So just wanted to give you a quick update. I will write some longer posts either later in the week or DEFINITELY this weekend. Thanks for reading my Wednesday Wombats! 

Oh hey, I heard that every time you comment on this blog, a puppy is saved from a horrible gruesome death. I could be wrong, but that's just what I heard. You should probably comment just to be safe.  I mean, you never know...

Strong Gymnast Man

Well lookey who we have here. Hey HAPPY MONDAY YOU GUYS! Ok, so it's not "technically" Monday.  Actually it's 4:30 on Tuesday morning, but I'm going to consider it an extension of Monday night. So here is your Monday post! And here is your apology from me, the prodigal daughter coming home and hanging my head in shame for being late on my update. But have no fear my Monday Muskrats, I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU.  Actually to be honest, this updating in the middle of the night thing is probbbbbbbbbbably going to be a bit of a habit this week.  I just started training for my new job today (MONDAY) & got home at 7 and immediately fell asleep until now" 4:31 a.m. But you guys were second on the list! SECOND! You were before major physiological essentials!

Hey look! It's Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs!!!!!!! You guys were before my food, safety, love/belonging/esteem/and self actualization! WOW! Don't you feel important? You should.

 You were also before my email, reading the news, Facebook, Twitter, putting a heating pad on my back?!?! GRRR. What's that you say? Oh I just threw out my back the day before my first day of work... no biggie. And by no biggie, I mean: HUGE BIGGIE! IT HURTS! It feels like a small yet indescribably strong gymnast man is hanging on to my back and punching me in the spine, shoulder blades, muscles etc. with his brass knuckles while he uses his machete to stab me while a sit/stand/exist.  Soo.... my back hurts.

Ok, maybe you are wondering about my first day of training, or maybe not, but I'm going to pretend you are.  Well, THANKS FOR ASKING! What an adorable thing to do! Well everyone at Medifast is SOOO NICE, you guys! And I'm not saying this because I'm trying to be all... all... cheerleader-y, or fake-ish, or sales-woman-y. Add those words to your vocabulary. Seriously though, I'm being 100 % genuine here. The ladies that hired me, the corporate trainers, and the new employees who I'll be working with are mayyyyyyybe the nicest people I've ever met. NO JOKE.  So of course that makes going into work so much more pleasant.  Shawn & Michelle, my bossladies, have an amazing ability to make others feel welcome and put them at ease.  It's truly a gift.

So today (MONDAY) we basically just went through a lot of information on the company and Medifast's products and talked a lot about people, what they are looking for when they come in to see us, and how we can help.  The best part, even though I literally have only met with these people three times, is that everyone cares so much.  Sure we are a business, but every single topic we discussed was explained from a point of view of how this is going to help someone.  It's so obvious that their hearts are in this and they really really and truly care about changing peoples' lives.  They understand what a personal and emotional struggle losing weight can be.  Every single activity we did was designed with a specific people in mind.  I'm going to stop here because I could seriously keep rambling for hours and I have to go study my GINORMOUS training manual, but I just wanted to share with everyone how excited I am to be a part of this company, this journey, this cause.

I'll probably write a little more about my training as the week goes on, but I just wanted to give you guys a taste and also let you know that this week may be a little sporadic on the blogging.  On days I don't work I will try and give you 2-11 new posts to make up for the inconsistency and because of how much I heart you guys.

So budeeh budeeh budeeh THAT'S ALL FOLKS!! 

SPLASH

SPLASH!!!  What's that sound? Oh, that's just me diving right into today's topic. I decided to do what I said I was going to do a few days ago which is to talk about a couple of topic ideas because as it turns out, I actually think I have come up with some fun ones! Yay for fun! Ok, so the first topic idea I have is going to take some participation.  I want to do a post once a week called "You request; I Ramble" and basically what will happen is you request something COMPLETELY and TOTALLY R-A-N-D-O-M and I have to write an entire blog post about it.  I am talking seriously random; anything you can think of.  The topic can be a weird animal, an obscure town in Lebanon, an area code, a rare disease. Let your voice be heard! BUT... that means you have to send me requests!!!! So please. Pwitty pwitty pwease, with gummy bears and Reeses on top :) send me some randoms and each week (probably on Saturdays) I will concoct a beautiful tale, monologue, or scenario starring your beautiful suggestion. I will even thank you by name and send you thousands of authentic hugs via carrier pigeon. So that's that. What do you think? Ok, also on Thursdays I'm going to do posts similar to yesterday where I post things that I like. And guess what it's going to be called? YEP! YOU GUESSED IT! WOW YOU ARE SO SMARTFUNNYHOT! It's going to be called "Things I like Thursday!" You guys are good. I'm also going to do a "How To" post every Monday. It will range from serious, like "How to tell someone off without being a total jerk" to the ridiculous/not serious like "How to rob a bank".  And my last topic idea will be for Wednesdays & it will be called "What the?!" Wednesdays.  Basically Wednesday will be the day I use the blog as an excuse to rant about what/who is ticking me off in the world. So... good times to come, my Sunday Sprinkles.

Hope you likey. And remember: A comment a day keeps the doctor away.

~Jess

The Pencil Factory

What's up my little Saturday sugarplums?! Ok, really it is Sunday because I am posting late. I know I promised to post daily. I've only had this blog for a couple of days and already I'm breaking promises. Hey! It is like we're dating! Well hopefully you will forgive me, and I will make it up to you by multiple posting today. And really, who doesn't mind a little miscommunication when somebody buys you a puppy or this to make you feel better?! I know the Beatles think you can't buy me love, but I would beg to differ. Ok, I'm kidding. Sort of. Anywho... I missed you! Did you miss me? Don't answer that unless it's a resounding, enthusiastic, "OF COURSE I DID!"... in which case, answer away!

Well boy do I have a treat for you. It's sort of equivalent to (insert the best thing you could ever imagine here). So, pretty awesome right? I thought so! Moving on... I decided to just hit you up with a bunch of links that will basically keep you busy for hours checking out all this awesome stuff.

Save the Words

Muffin Films

Slightly Blue

Game Design

Learn Genetics

Chess

The Pencil Factory

52 Projects

threadnwater

Constant Comedy

Those should keep you busy for a while. Good times Good times. So that is your treat for me waking up @ 4 a.m. & realizing that I updated my other blog -pause for shameless self promotion- (http://constructivewitticism.wordpress.com) and not this one. I will write 2 more OFFICIAL posts later today.

Peace and cheesy burritos to you my friends.

~Jess

Norwegian Elkhounds

Hey there! You came back! What an adorable thing to do! I said I would post everyday and it is 11 pm (I'm in central time) so I just did make it under the wire. WHEW!! Yay for not breaking promises! Well, today I said I was going to talk about post ideas and the format for my blog and all that jazz but that sounded boring even to me! So we're not going to do that. I figured that instead of having a set topic or category for each day of the week I will just surprise you every day so that you will keep coming back. Because who doesn't love surprises? People in prison; that's who. Because chances are it won't be a puppy or an adorable video of a small child with an impossibly cute British accent laughing at his baby brother who continues to bite his finger. Instead it would be glass in your enchilada for Taco Tuesday or waking up to a 6'7 bald guy named Tiny hovering over you with a shiv. A shiv or a shank? You get the point.

So today I decided to tell you about my new J-O-B. I was recently hired as a counselor for Medifast. It's a nutrition/weight management company. They are trying to break into the market in Alabama so they are opening up 3 new stores in the Birmingham area. Yours truly will be working at the Highway 150 location so please come see me! And if you have any weight to lose, the program is LEGIT, and you should probably/definitely try it.

As part of our job agreement, we have to go on the program. So for the next few weeks/maybe months I will be eating one "lean & green" meal a day (5-7 ounces of lean meat & veggies) and 5 packaged meals/snacks per day. The program allows you to lose up to 2-5 pounds/week as opposed to the traditional 1-2 on other programs. At first I was a little skeptical, but the program it turns out is actually really incredible.  It is rich in fiber to help keep you full and balanced in protein and carbs.  It has been physician approved and is recommended by doctors across the country. OK... this is starting to sound a little too infomercial-ly. ANYWAY I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS. I used to be CRRRRRRRRRRRRRAZY about working out. Really. I still love it but I'm not as consistent as I used to be. My eating habits are not fantastic. I have a SERIOUS sweet tooth. I wish there were some way I could emphasize this point besides all caps. I LOVE SUGAR. I WANT TO MARRY IT. I know what you're thinking. You are thinking, "Jessica, you can't marry sugar. If we start letting people marry sugar, what's next? Horses? Norwegian Elkhounds? Blue-footed boobies? Plastic gnomes?"

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging, to show you this picture of a blue-footed booby. Who WOULDN'T want to marry this cute little fella?

Ok, back on track.

Well, although I want to marry sugar, I can't. So I am trying to put some space in between myself and my beloved. So if you gather the weight of my sugar obsession, there is no need to tell you that good nutrition is a struggle for me. The decline in frequency of my exercise combined with my serious sweet-savoring predicament has left me with a few pounds I would like to lose so I am moderately-majorly stoked. I will let you know how the food tastes and how healthy, euphoric, miserable, or insane I feel. I'm sure it will produce some good stories since I usually eat like a 17 year old boy, which was fine for a while. But I won't be able to exercise like a mad person forever so I am appreciative of the opportunity to get myself on track. I really love that the company cares about the integrity of their employees; starting with the fact that they want us to lead by example and avoid hypocrisy by being healthy ourselves.

That's all for today, my little apricots.

Tata for now! Come back tomorrow! And if you feel like it (YES) check out my other, also newborn blog: Constructive Witticism! And please comment! It makes me feel like raindrops on roses & whiskers on kittens! DON'T YOU WANT ME TO FEEL LIKE KITTENS? OF COURSE YOU DO!

TOOTLES

~Jess

My First Bejeweled Blost.

OH, hey there! My name is Jessica Renee Black. What's yours? Oh that's a beautiful name. Nice to meet you. Thanks for reading my first Blost. That's pronounced Blo-st. It's a combo between blog and post. You heard it here first. You're welcome. I really don't like to use any more words than necessary... oh WHO AM I KIDDING YES I DO. But anyway, you're probably going to be seeing a lot of combo non-words. It will happen, and you will like it. So I guess I have a Blog now?? Ok, so here's how this is going to go. I am going to post every day. That's right. You heard me. EVERY. DAY. I hope this experience will be as good for you as it is for me. It's kind of like we are dating. You will get to know me, and I will get to know you, and then we will fall madly in love. Don't worry, I will hide all my flaws at least until after the first three months. I decided to join the bandwagon A) Because it's cathartic 2) Because certain careers like to see what you can create and iii) Because I wanted to, so back up off of me. In the words of the Great Beyonce, "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY".

I decided to call my blog Chocolate Cyanide because that is how I envision this process going. The absurdity bubbling in my brain that will likely erupt onto this blog is probably a little bit disastrous, but also intermingled with sporadically sweet pieces of insight. So buckle up because it's going to be a bumpy, bedazzlingly awesome ride. Here we go... Did anyone bring snacks?

Ok, so I'm aware that everybody and their cousin's dry cleaner has a blog these days, but I promise to do my best to make it good if you will help me. I mean REALLY GOOD, you guys. I will have it blow your mind, and help you figure out world peace, and make you pancakes on Saturday morning. So here is what I need from you. Yes... YOU. You in the skinny jeans (I figure that covers just about everyone, right?). Ok, and everyone else... if you will let me know what you care about, like to read/watch, what works/doesn't work, and how I can improve, then I promise to do all I can to bring you content that matters. Let me know what is awesome and what is completely ridiculous (the not good kind of ridiculous).

So I guess that's it for today, Kiddies. Now that we have been introduced, I hope you will revisit me daily to find out what train wreck I have gotten myself into or maybe even a few savory pieces of stumbled upon wisdom. Chocolate Cyanide will be ever-evolving so DON'T MISS OUT.

Tomorrow I will post a bunch of SugJESStions (see what I did there? Do you see? Of course you get it, you smart & funny charmer) on how I plan to format the blog, including different topic ideas and other cool things that sound more exciting than topics ideas.

The end.

From: me... JESS.

Until tomorrow,

(Don't do anything I would do.)